I first got certified as a personal trainer when I was 16 years old. My sister Jill informed me, as she did, that I would not be spending my weekend playing video games and shooting hoops like a normal teenager. Instead, I'd spend 10 hours a day in a freezing cold fitness studio at Wake Forest University getting certified as a "Metabolic Effect Trainer." Classic Jill. Always signing me up for stuff I don't want to do at the time, and me always appreciating it years later. 

I forget most of that training except for the temperature of the room, and a core principle of motivation that I still use to this day. That first training taught me the importance and methodology of generating intensity and authority when leading others. I remember the instructor calling me out specifically because I was so young. He said, "It's critical that you master these skills" because, as a pimpled-faced teenager, "you need to command a room of people 2-3x your age."

Years later, I was a trainer at a big box gym. As a part of my continuing education, I was enrolled in a mandatory training on how to effectively motivate people, and this same principle was front and center again. I was so excited about this training because, at this point in my life, I was reading 1-2 books per week on psychology, human development, and motivation (I had a lot of free time on my hands). This was MY SHIT.

As the training kicked off, the guy was talking a lot about the stuff I was reading about and implementing with my clients, yet he somehow managed to bore the hell out of me. I was his ideal student, but he lost me. And if he lost his ideal pupil, he certainly lost everyone else. I remember that weekend declaring that I'd one day start a company that would do this beautiful material justice (shoutout Take Care Coaching).

You know that quote by John Milton, "The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.."? This same principle holds true with motivation and engagement. A great leader can generate energy and engagement where there is none. A great professor can make Geology fascinating. A great friend can lighten a room by walking into it.

In their book Extreme Ownership, Jocko Willink and Leif Babin tell a story about these boat races at BUD/S training for Navy SEALs. Leading the training, they would divide the group into "boat crews" of seven men and race through miserable conditions against other crews. These men were to paddle their boats out into the water and lug them through the surf down to the next beach marker, paddle them back into the beach, run up a shelf of sand to the beach marker, and then carry them overhead all the way back on the beach. 

And these weren't your weekend kayaks. These black rubber navy boats weighed nearly 200 pounds and would get waterlogged and packed with sand to add some bonus weight. 

Each crew had a designated leader responsible for directing, briefing, and leading the other six crew members during the race, and would bear the responsibility for the results.

After a handful of races, a pattern emerged. Boat Crew #2 was waxing everyone, and Boat Crew #6 couldn't escape last place. Babin noticed that the leader for Boat Crew #6 (the losing boat) seemed indifferent to coming in last. It was almost as if he was resolved to the fact that his team sucked and he was doomed to last place every time. So they switched it up. The winning boat and losing boat switched leaders. 

For the next hour, Boat Crew #6, the lost cause, started winning most of the races.

The lesson, of course, is the same one that I learned in those early trainings. As leaders, we have immense power and the responsibility to affect others and the environment around us. My friend Jade Teta came on the pod this week and introduced a concept I LOVE. He talked about how each and every one of us, as human beings, are an experience. Our attitude, presence, warmth, and to some extent, our souls, leave a mark on those we interact with.

This isn't spiritual mumbo jumbo. Last week, we talked about what neuroscientists call mirror neurons – brain cells that sense and mimic the feelings, actions, and physical sensations of others. For example, if you get pricked by a needle, the neurons in the pain center of my brain will light up. In one study, participants watching a video of somebody smelling something horrid had the areas in their brain associated with disgust light up (despite not knowing what the smell was).

Human beings are an incredibly connected species. This connection is built in from infancy when before we can even speak, we learn to infer people's emotions, expressions, and behaviors. Research shows that our actions constantly cascade and collide with each other in every direction. We're like a single fettuccini noodle entangled on a plate with all of our fellow noodles.

Even more insane, Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler theorize that our attitudes and behaviors "infect" people within three degrees of us. In other words, your no-good-sassy-ass-negative-attitude Auntie Frances, who I've never met, can affect my vibe.

But that also means that I can teach a workshop, positively affect somebody in that class, and have them take home some compassion and humor to their child and spouse, creating a ripple of positivity and change.

As a leader, manager, coach, or even friend, your energy is contagious and it can make or break your ability to influence, teach, and inspire. It’s crucial to keep this in mind when trying to move others.

Leadership Lessons

Be a Positive Node

Yale Psychologist Sigal Barsade researched how one person could affect a group's mood and performance. In a study, he asked a member of a group to be overtly positive and measured the emotions and productivity of the rest of the group. He found that upon entering the room, Positive Paul immediately infected the mood of the entire group and increased their performance on tasks.

That's what I learned in the first training certification. To energize and motivate people, I had to bring the energy. I had to bring excitement and joy and embody authority and confidence (even when I didn't have much). Research shows that enthusiasm is one of the most contagious emotions and impacts our own enjoyment and life satisfaction.

Look, I know it's not easy. I can feel you introverts rolling your eyes through the screen. That's the thing with leadership, though: it's not easy. Most of the time, before teaching a class or a workshop, I'd rather be lying down with a nice glass of red. So, I do things to get my mind right. I write out things I am grateful for in my life. I get a morning workout in to get endorphins flowing. I  blast a little Drizzy Drake in my car to increase my energy.

As leaders, it's our responsibility to set the tone, but of course, this has to be genuine. People see right through fake positivity. If being happy-go-lucky doesn't come naturally to you, it's all good, baby! You can model positive behaviors, use eye contact to build a human connection and play with the tone of your voice to make it more engaging.

You can also build "Positivity SOPs." In business, SOPs, or Standard Operating Procedures, are essentially paint-by-number documents for how to act within the business. This is how we answer emails.. This is how to conduct a sales call…

But these can also be guiding principles for positivity. The Ritz Carlton, the hotel chain renowned for its customer experience, has a policy called the "10/5 Way." It's a simple rule that says if a guest is within ten feet, a Ritz employee should make eye contact and smile. If a guest is within five feet, the employee should say, "Hello."

It's a behavior policy that exudes warmth, connection, and service. This simple rule makes guests feel seen and cared for.

We can create the same rules in our organizations, coaching interactions, and households. A no complaining rule or being intolerant of gossiping. Clear rules that cascade into a more positive culture.

There are many ways to bring the energy, so find some that feel authentic for you. But the nonnegotiable is how you show up will determine your success and effectiveness as a leader.

Build Rapport

If you follow my work, you know connection is the hill I'll die on. If you want to move and influence others, they need to truly feel seen, appreciated, and cared for by you. Research shows that our mirror neurons pump even stronger when interacting with somebody we care about. If you watch a new couple who is in love, you'll see their behavior mimic one another. She leans in, so does he. One uncrosses their arms, so does the other. It's why old married couples begin to look alike—all those years mimicking one another.

The most potent form of emotional contagion will come from those we feel connected to. My brother Connor can give me really harsh, direct feedback, and I'll take it in. I often teach that to the degree of your relationship strength can you sustain imperfection. Meaning, you can mess up a lot and still get to the outcome you want if you have a relationship. This is powerful. You don't have to give perfect feedback or say the right thing in the right way all the time, and you can still be successful in changing others' behavior. 

So, spend time getting to know people. Go to their cookouts you don't want to attend. Remember names. Follow up on things they share with you. It will make you a far more potent leader. 

Be an Experience.

There are roughly 8 billion people on Earth, each bringing a unique experience to the world that can never be duplicated. There will never be another Danny Coleman on this planet with my unique chemical make-up and idiosyncratic combination of experiences and relationships. There will never be another YOU.

With every interaction, every piece of work you complete, and every moment of the day, you have the capacity to leave your fingerprint on other people and the world. 

We've all heard of the Butterfly Effect – the idea that a single butterfly can flap its wings in Nebraska and cause a gust of wind that eventually cumulates into a hurricane in India. Essentially a very small change can trigger a ripple effect of bigger ones. 

I often tell the story of a man I met in 2013. I walked out of a Starbucks in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw an older man sitting by himself with nothing but a chessboard. Just as I passed him, he screamed out, "Hey!"

It jolted me out of my trance. Frankly, it scared the hell out of me.

He tells me to sit.

I do. Not sure why.

He asked me my name. He tells me he's an immigrant from Greece.

He stared at me for a moment, and then, in the thickest Greek accent, he said, "If I could tell you young people one thing, it's do what you like. If you're not doing what you like, you're wasting your time."

He proceeded to beat me in chess with just three moves and sent me on my way.

It's been something that has always stuck with me. We'll never know how much or how often we're impacting others, but it's still a worthwhile pursuit.

As a leader, as a coach, as a human, how are you impacting others with your life and energy?

It matters.