The 4 States of Growth: The Pain of Self-Improvement

Happy New Year, fam! Some say you can’t say HYN after January 7th. I say f*ck ‘em, we’re going to extend my favorite holiday a few more weeks.

As I mentioned last week, I get reflective at this time of year. I was thinking about the most intense, growth-oriented period of my life. 

In my early twenties, I moved to North Carolina to live with my older sister, Jill, and her husband at the time. In the three years I lived with them, I saw every part of my life transform. My health, finances, love life, education, and friendships all improved. There wasn't one area of my life that didn't get better during my time in NC. 

Sounds wonderful, right? But what’s less talked about in my industry is the paradox of growth. Yes, that time in my life had the most potent growth I’ve ever experienced to date. It was also some of the most painful years of my life. It was the first time I felt intense loneliness and boredom. Every habit I had to that point in my life was being turned upside down. It’s like I could feel the fibers of all my behaviors tearing slowly apart. It was insufferable. It was likely unsustainable. And it sure as hell isn’t desirable to go back to.

In the self-development space, you get a lot of "wisdom" from people. They find it on Instagram or bumper stickers. In the midst of a bad day, you’ll be told to “just change your mindset.” You'll get a Thursday morning pep talk to "get out of your comfort zone" in a tone that suggests they may have never left their own comfort zone.

Over time, I’ve thought a lot about how growth works. If my North Carolina days were so great, why not dive back into that gauntlet every year?

I see growth as the movement through four different states. A “state” is a term I took from Tony Robbins that refers to our state as “the quality of your consciousness.” In English, consciousness is simply our awareness of ourselves and the surrounding world. It’s our capacity to think, feel, and act at any given moment. I like the term "state" because it's temporary. It can change at any moment due to our mood, hormones, perception, actions, and environment. And, it's changeable, so we always have the power to deliberately change our current state. 

The way I see it, we have four “states” of growth.

State #1: The Zombie State (passive avoidance)

My wife loves the movie Wal-E. In it, all humans now live in a space station because they've trashed the Earth. One scene shows every human in recliners. A floating screen is three inches from their faces. Cheeseburgers arrive on demand.

(It's not far off from the familiar scene of Ubering home while scrolling TikTok, while your chicken bacon ranch sub meets you at home via DoorDash where you'll binge-watch another season of "You.")

This is the first state of growth. It is defined by constant distraction, convenience, and consumption.

Although this sounds wonderful on the surface, it’s not great for our psychological health and development. One study found that teenagers who watched too many Full House re-runs at 16 years old had more psychological distress in their forties. Another favorite study of mine showed that Americans are actually happier at work than they are on the weekends (even if they hate their job!).

This state of passive avoidance is the worst state to live in. When we’re distracted, we miss little cues that things are moving in the wrong direction. People who watch television while they eat consume far more calories. People who don’t know how much they spend every month are worse off financially (duh). Over time, this damages our relationships, our finances, and our health.

But we miss internal cues too. The Greek word for “psyche” is “soul.” Psychotherapy literally means to listen to, or pay attention to, the soul. The psychologist James Hollis says that soul is a metaphor for the “organic wisdom of the natural being that we are… and the purposeful expression of the organism.” Ever been around people doing things where you get the sense “this ain’t me.” That’s your soul. 

According to Hollis, our soul is constantly leaving clues for its "natural expression" – through our behaviors, patterns of emotions, and our dreams – and if we ignore it for too long, it’ll make itself known in unwelcome ways through our physical and mental health. Hollis says, “The unlived life will make you ill.”

Now, there’s a time and place for the Zombie Zone. There’s nothing wrong with a little Instagram scrolling, video games, or an occasional cocktail. I’m currently building a hell of a dynasty at the University of Charlotte in the video game College Football 25, but the point is to consciously and deliberately choose.

It starts by eliminating distractions that keep you on autopilot – social media, binge-watching television, alcohol and drugs, email, video games, and even work can keep us all in this cloud of chaos.

So step #1 is to make the unconscious conscious by clearing out the distractions for a bit. Currently, I'm in a dry-ish January. I've turned my phone to grayscale. I'm also saying no to social invites to clear some space in my life. From there, we can move to state #2.

State #2: The Anxiety State (Active Avoidance)

This is the state of delaying action.

Here’s the bad news: it will feel worse than state #1. You’ll now hear all the internal and external cues that have been blunted by distraction. And they become LOUD. You’ll likely feel some anxiety, angst, overwhelm, and dread about things you have to do.

You’ll procrastinate, put things off, and feel paralyzed at times. Every fiber of your being will crave state #1. But remember, this is an improvement on passive avoidance of state #1. Now, you’re alive. You have awareness.

As the great Carl Jung once said, "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate."

This is the make-or-break state. Either you move through it into the higher-level states, or you lie back down and play another season of College Football 25. 

Here's what the “you-need-to-step-out-of-your-comfort-zone 😵‍💫” people miss. When you step out of the comfort zone, every fiber of your being will be SCREAMING at you to return to your safe space. And in the West, we’re trained that if it doesn’t feel good, it's not good. So instead of leaning into the anxiety, we try to escape it.

The secret to moving through this state is messy engagement. The goal is to shrink the gap of time between experiencing the painful emotion and taking action. If you have a difficult conversation to have, have it today. If you have a project that has been on your to-do list, take the first step today. Go to the gym now. Lean into the discomfort and engage with it. 

I’m currently living in this state within my personal relationships. I’m telling people “no” a lot – people I love and enjoy hanging out with; activities that I typically enjoy doing. But only by setting boundaries and enforcing them repeatedly can I move into higher stages of growth fueled by self-respect, high performance, and well-being.

And frankly, it sucks. I’m known to be Mr. Likable. in my circles. Mr. go-with-the-flow. They're not used to hearing me say no, and it’s rubbing some the wrong way. But it’s necessary to get to state #3.

State #3: The Recovery State (Passive Engagement)

This is the state of clarity and creativity. State #3 is both an enjoyable and important state to experience. It’s defined by qualities like presence, silence, and gratitude.

While in this state, we’ll find ourselves coming up with great ideas and having a clear sense of direction. It goes back to our guy James Hollis's idea of the soul. In this state, you can hear the signals of the soul and begin to find your core desires, values, and beliefs. We start to recalibrate the direction of our lives and see a bigger picture.

This is also the state we spend the least time in in the modern world. Without cultivating the necessary space, we bop around from one calendar item to the next, and then 40 years go by and we find ourselves in a red convertible, rocking a mohawk, and spending $100 per week on scratchies.

We can, however, deliberately create this space. We can become passively engaged by going on walks, reading books, having relaxed conversations with friends, meditating, or setting boundaries with our people and our work.

To continue today's diary entry, as I consistently say “no” to people I love, I’ve moved through the angst of not being liked or letting others down, and on the other side of that, I find space to engage in these types of activities.

I have the space to write and create. I have the space to make plans. In this third state of growth, I have more money in my pocket, more self-respect, and more energy to pursue greater growth. For the first time in my life, I’m prioritizing myself.

Now, the downside of this state is that we’re not building anything. State #3 can help us design the perfect workout program, but eventually we have to actually exercise the muscles to grow.

State #4: The Growth State (Active Engagement)

This fourth and final state is where we deliberately and systematically stretch ourselves. Ideally, anyway. Sometimes life forces this state on us, and we have no choice. As in State #2, this doesn’t necessarily feel good. It’s defined by struggle, pain, and suffering. It requires huge energy outputs. But like State #2, it’s not a bad thing. 

Thinking back to North Carolina, I suffered a lot. 

In a favorite newsletter, The Growth Equation, Steve Magnus and Brad Stulberg wrote, "At root, this is a fight for our humanity. We are meant to struggle, especially toward worthwhile ends. We often think of exerting effort as negative, something to minimize and avoid. Yet research consistently shows that exerting meaningful effort is enjoyable and supports our mental health. It explains the feeling of satisfaction you get after a solid workout or after figuring out how to turn an abstract idea into a coherent thesis.”

The caveat is that you cannot live indefinitely in this state. If you were to do a three-hour leg workout, seven days a week for a year, you’re not going to see growth. You’re going to see destruction. You’ll have extreme fatigue, fever, and nausea, and kidney damage, and you'll be no stronger come next New Year's Day.

Growth in life functions largely the same. We'll move from State #4 back to State #3, with a quick stop for movies and popcorn in State #1, and so on.

But when we are aware of our current state, we can decide when to push and when to rest. When to plant the seeds, and when to harvest the crops.

Ideally, we'll spend enough time and energy in State #4 so that we adopt new habits and begin to take on a new identity without destroying ourselves. My man James Hollis says, “You can’t solve [problems] but you can outgrow them.. become bigger than the voice [in your head or the inertia of your behaviors], bigger than the fear.” With growth, we elevate ourselves. We enter into a fuller expression of our soul. And that, I believe, is the entire point of life. 

Growth is the gradual progression towards the application of higher-level values, behaviors, and identities. You can't possibly be in this fourth and final state at all times, nor would you want to be.

By understanding and embracing each of these states, we have more power towards sustainable growth. We can begin to appreciate the pain that comes with growth and know it's only temporary. 

What's more, we become the driver of our own life. We can choose, deliberately, to move through each state and come out bigger and better on the other side. As the Danish theologian Soren Kierkegaard said, “To dare is to lose one’s footing momentarily. Not to dare, is to lose oneself.”

Happy New Year, fam. Here’s to the best year yet.