The Dark Side of Confidence

My first love was round, orange in color, and full of air. And I'm not being disrespectful to an ex. My childhood memories are filled with images of me and a basketball. It was my form of meditation, friendship, exercise, and to some extent, family. Frustratingly, I was both the best basketball player in my neighborhood and the only kid who couldn't beat his mother in 1-on-1 (but that's a story for another day). 

Something that always stuck with me from my days of hoopin' was the correlation between my mental state and my performance. When I felt confident, it was as if I couldn't miss. Shooting hoops felt like throwing a tennis ball in an ocean.

On the flip side, in moments of frustration or intimidation, I couldn't make a single bucket (sidebar: my mother knew this about me and would do things to get under my skin; it worked.)

It was the first illustration of the power of confidence in my life, and it's likely the origin story of my current love of psychology. I remember being in 7th grade doing things like meditation, reading books on the Law of Attraction, and watching motivational DVDs to try and get my head right before a game or practice.

Even as a kid, I wondered how I could tilt the deck so that I could spend more of my moments in a state of swag than a state of sweat. How could I become confident-on-demand when I needed it most for a game-winning shot?

As I got older, I saw the confidence duality rear its head again. Some days, I'd have this sense of self-assurance and security, and my dating skills would be off the chart (if I do say so myself). Words would flow out effortlessly, jokes would land, and all self-consciousness would evaporate.

Other times, I'd be in these states of self-doubt, and it was like I never talked to a member of the opposite sex in my life. I once asked a woman, "What if every inch of our bodies were covered in hair? Like, head to toe.."

Yeah, I know. I still turn red recalling this interaction.

The confidence dilemma continues to show up in my life to this day at work and in my relationships. Sometimes, I'm Rico Suave; other times, I'm Neville Longbottom.

It's also the number one challenge for the coaches, leaders, and managers I work with. My clients constantly ask me things like, "How do I become more confident? or "How can I get over impostor syndrome?" 

So, how can we increase our sense of confidence? Especially in the moments we need it most?

The Problem with Confidence

We live in a culture that now idolizes feeling good all or most of the time. Understandably so. It's intoxicating when we feel joy, optimism, a sense of calm, or confidence. We feel powerful. We enjoy being Rico Suave. 

But it's not possible—or even healthy—to feel good all of the time. Research shows that high levels of confidence and feelings of power are often associated with narcissism, a lack of empathy, and even dehumanizing others. And personal experience shows us that those who are "happy and positive all of the time" are annoying at best and liars at worst. 

The goal to be confident all or most of the time is a bad one because in the moments that we inevitably don't feel confident, not only do we have to deal with the physical symptoms of sweaty armpits and losing our words, but the mental consequences of believing that something must be wrong or broken with us.

Confidence is contextual. You might be incredibly confident in one area—say, playing basketball—but feel completely out of your depth in another, like public speaking or dating.

Even in areas where we excel, confidence isn't a constant. I was a solid high school basketball player, yet I didn't feel confident in every game or practice. Confidence ebbs and flows, even in our strengths. 

Secondly, confidence is a result, not a cause. People who develop confidence in a given domain have earned that confidence by overcoming obstacles and challenges over time. Confidence isn't built on air; it's built off tangible achievements. Paradoxically, you can't feel confident and powerful without first going through and overcoming periods of discomfort (i.e., moments when you're feeling bad).

Lastly, as author Mark Manson says, "Confidence is about your relationship with failure, not success." Successful business people are comfortable with the fact that their business might fail. Great daters become comfortable with rejection. Kobe Bryant and Michael Jordan were comfortable missing a game-winning shot. 

Simply put, we don't get to feel confident all of the time, and the more we make this our goal, the more that feeling will elude us.

Wabi-Sabi

The Japanese art of kintsugi involves taking broken cups and plates and piecing them back together. The artist then fills all the broken areas and cracks with gold. Rather than being hidden or ugly, the cracks become the source of beauty.

This extends into a larger Japanese philosophy called wabi-sabi, which is the idea that the so-called "cracks" in human beings -- the flaws, broken places, and imperfections -- are the elements that make us beautiful. By acknowledging and accepting the very messy, and very human experience, we become more confident and at peace.

I love this metaphor because it reframes confidence in a healthier, more realistic way. Confidence is not this end all be all where you have no chinks in the armor. It's that you continue forward despite the chinks in the armor. Better yet, it's the chinks and the cracks that make life so rich.

As usual, Western psychology catches up to Eastern philosophy a few centuries later. Psychologists now use the term "the pratfall effect" to describe this phenomenon. The pratfall effect shows that people find us more likable and trustworthy when we combine competence with moments of humanity—like spilling coffee during a presentation or admitting a mistake. 

Unsurprisingly, humans like, even admire, other humans beings -- flawed, messy, and imperfect.  

Building Genuine Confidence

So what do we do with all of this? 

It's a reminder that genuine confidence must be slowly, methodically built. There's no affirmation to do in the mirror, no therapeutic intervention, no crystal, horoscope, lotion, or potion that can create it for us.

Genuine confidence requires effort and humility. It's not about faking it or waiting until you feel ready. It's about stepping into the arena, knowing you'll stumble, and doing your best anyway. 

Which brings us to The Confidence Formula. 

It's simple.  

Confidence = Effort x Humility

Effort: Confidence begins with showing up and doing your best—whatever that looks like on a given day. Forget the need for perfection or endless preparation. It's about taking action, even if it's messy. 

Humility: This is about remembering that you're only human. You'll mess up, you'll look silly, and you'll say stupid things. You'll feel embarrassed, need to apologize, and be okay with being bad at things. True confidence treats mistakes and failures as features of the human experience, not bugs. Just as we cannot be courageous without fear, we cannot be confident without with failure.

Confidence isn't about eliminating imperfections or avoiding failure. It's about moving forward despite them, embracing your humanity, and showing up consistently. Over time, this approach doesn't just build confidence; it builds character.

So the next time you chase confidence, remember: it's not about being unshakable or perfect. It's about being real, relatable, and resilient. And that, my friends, is what makes us truly remarkable.