The Most Important Factor of a Happy Life

In 1938, 268 young men signed up to be followed around for the rest of their lives. To make it less creepy, they were to be followed by researchers who would track, measure, and analyze every aspect of their lives for the next 70 years – everything from fitness to family, career choices to education, emotional impulses to physical characteristics, all the way down to how they learned about sex, what their handwriting looked like, and the hanging length of the scrotum (not joking).

Okay, it's still creepy.

But the goal was well-intentioned. Psychologists were trying to identify what factors contribute to the happiest, most fulfilling lives.

What has come to be known as the "Harvard Grant Study" is one of a few longitudinal studies in psychology. These types of longitudinal studies—studies conducted over a long period of time—are hard to do. Either participants drift away, or the funding dries up (there's not exactly a great ROI for investing in psych studies). 

They can also catch slack for the small sample size – a study of 268 white, privileged dudes in Boston doesn't exactly capture the essence of humankind (fun fact: JFK was one of the young men in the study). But what the study lacks in diversity, it makes up for in data and the richness of experiences. 

One anecdote from the study highlights two men who were destined for two different paths: Godfrey Camille and John Marsden. 

Camille was raised by less-than-ideal parents. His mother was a nervous wreck who did everything in her power to isolate her son from the dangers of the world. He spent most of his childhood alone, eating all of his meals alone until the age of six. He was skinny, physically weak, had terrible social skills, and was a quintessential Hypochondriac. One researcher wrote, "Camille had one of the bleakest childhoods I've ever seen." 

After attending medical school, life was so bleak that he attempted suicide. At 35, he was hospitalized for 14 months due to tuberculosis.

Researchers were highly confident that Camille was destined for a short, bleak life. One researcher simply wrote, "He's a disaster."

The other man researchers were confident about, John Marsden, was the opposite of Camille in every way.

Marsden was an exceptional student throughout his life and came from a loving, wealthy family. He returned from WWII a war hero. He attended law school at the University of Chicago and graduated at the top of his class. 

After school, he married a wonderful woman and had a successful private legal practice. One researcher wrote, "Marsden is one of the most professionally successful members of the study."

Interestingly, the study ran out of funding in 1954 and wasn't picked back up until the men were in their 50s.

To everyone's shock, researchers found Camille to be happily married and professionally successful. He founded a large, independent medical clinic and was nationally recognized for his work. He was heavily involved in his community, and a leader in his church, and his daughters called him an "exemplary father." Camille was thriving and, by all accounts, a happy man.

Researchers found Camille to be the most successful in the study as measured by health, happiness, work, and love. For his 80th birthday, he held a potluck at which more than 300 people showed up.

In contrast, Marsden got divorced in his 50s, was estranged from his children, and had few people in his life he'd call "friends." His law practice was still thriving and successful by every metric, but Marsden spent most of his days alone. He reported being angry, lonely, and disappointed by life. 

When the researchers unpacked what happened, they found that while Camille was in the hospital with tuberculosis, he made friends with hospital workers and other patients. He attended Bible study, played cards, and had a ton of conversations. Camille remembers, "Someone with a capital 'S' cared about me" for the first time in his life. 

After leaving the hospital, he threw himself into everything he could – he joined a church, taught Sunday school, joined committees, and brought a nice stew to potlucks. To his surprise, as his daily connections strengthened, his career took off.

In contrast, Marsden became the type we'd celebrate in Silicon Valley – the sleep under the desk, clock 15-hour days, bleed from the eyeballs without complaining type. He was very critical – of both himself and others – and, during tough times, would isolate himself from friends and withdraw from his family. When asked how he handles difficulty, Marsden said, "I keep it to myself. I tough it out." 

Marsden eventually faded from the study altogether and was never heard from again.

These two illustrations highlight the ultimate finding of the study: that relationships and people matter more than nearly anything else in life.

George Vaillant, the lead psychologist who directed for more than 40 years, said that he could sum up the findings in one word: "love—full stop… there are 70 years of evidence that our relationships with other people matter, and matter more than anything else in the world."

Having a loving family, genetics, education, exercise, eating well, and limiting those IPAs certainly matter to living a good life (and Vaillant often discussed these factors.) But the most important thing was their relationships — people you have in your life which you feel can be relied upon.

In an interview in 2008, Vaillant was asked what he learned from the study. His response: "That the only thing that really matters in life are your relationships to other people."

The Most Important Thing in the World

I remember being out with a group of friends and asking, “If you could solve one issue in the world, what would it be?”

That’s right, come to happy hour with your boy for questions that suck the levity out of the room.

My answer: I would eliminate loneliness.

They laughed, thinking that was a stupid answer.

But hold my beer… 

In the United States, 75% of adults feel a moderate to high level of loneliness in their lives (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30560747/). Researchers are discovering that loneliness has more than just a sucks-to-be-you effect on our lives. It has a tangible effect on our health. Loneliness makes us more sensitive to pain, suppresses our immune system, disrupts sleep, and diminishes brain function. 

According to the Journal of the American Medical Association, a “lack of social contact can add 30 points to an adult’s blood pressure reading.” 

In his book Social, Matthew Lieberman writes that having “weak social connections is as bad for your health as smoking two packs of cigarettes per day.” In fact, researchers have found that connection has as much effect on life expectancy as “smoking, high blood pressure, obesity, and regular physical activity.”

In one bizarre study, people who stood at the base of a hill with a friend perceived that hill to be 20% less steep than those standing alone. Another study in the prestigious journal Nature found that the highest-achieving college students had the most social connections. And employees with the most social connections can work for longer hours, with more focus, and under more difficult conditions (Goleman 1998).

Lastly, in a study titled Very Happy People, researchers attempted to find the characteristics of the happiest 10% of people in the world. They found that, more than anything else, they had strong social support.

Okay, I’ll take my beer back…

The point is that we need people more than nearly anything else in life, and it takes a lot less than we think.

 The Serendipity of Connection

Our guy, Godfrey Camille, wrote something profound towards the end of his life when describing the drastic, surprising shift in his life. He wrote, "Connectedness is something we must let happen to us.. [a] storehouse of goodwill lurks in the social fabric."

Life is filled with these fleeting moments that can create unexpected ripple effects. I often think about this moment from my early twenties. As I walked out of a Starbucks one afternoon, an older gentleman with a thick Greek accent waved me down. He was sitting alone with his chess board and asked me to take the open seat.

I had nowhere to be, so I sat down. He didn't ask me my name. I didn't ask his. He just asked if I knew the rules of chess. I told him I did, but I wasn't very good.

He preceded to beat me in three moves.

As I began gathering my things, he looked at me and said, "If I could tell you young people one thing, it's do what you like. If you're not doing what you like, then you're wasting your time."

Then he sent me on my way and awaited his next victim.

His message has stuck with me more than a decade later. I find this powerful. A 15-minute interaction with a total stranger has lingered with me and influenced my decision-making and, therefore, my life.

We never know what these seemingly pointless conversations, meet-ups, or kind gestures can lead towards. Even short interactions -- a moment in an elevator, a compliment from a stranger -- can have a transformative effect on our life and wellbeing and are essential to our emotional experience.

So this week, reach out to an old friend or help out a stranger. Smile at the barista and ask about their day. Say yes to the lunch invitation even though you're busy. Help your father move for the fifth time this year. Put your phone down. Remember people's names. With all the stuff happening in the world, we can forget the things that matter. Shit, the only thing that matters in life: people.