The Self-Help Paradox: Embracing Flaws (Rather Than Fixing Them)

In 2011, I got caught up in the positive psychology movement. For the uninitiated, positive psychology is the scientific study of life's finer emotions and experiences – joy, happiness, fulfillment, love, high performance, and the like.

This was a big deal because up until the 90s, most scientific studies in psychology focused on the darker elements of our psyche – fear, anxiety, depression, and penis envy (Not kidding. This is a real idea from Freud. Look it up, or maybe don't). So we had a trove of data for what made us miserable, but nothing of the sort on a live well-lived.

The goal of positive psychology was (and is) admirable. Who wouldn't want strategies to help live happier, healthier lives? But there was an unexpected consequence of this movement: the creation of the nearly $40 billion dollar self-help industry.

Psychological studies are infamous for being nearly impossible to replicate. Human beings are all so unique. Our psychologies are built on our life experiences and cultures, so results are often nuanced at best and misleading at worst. But that didn't stop gurus, authors, and journalists from publishing viral headlines, life advice tombs, and weekend workshops funneling these strategies and solutions for three payments of $99.99.

Out of the self-help craze came the self-help paradox, where the more time and energy you spend on improving yourself can actually make you feel (and be) worse off. 

A piece of this is because self-help puts an excessive focus on the self. Humans are social animals built to be part of a larger whole, so focusing on the self enhances feelings of separation and increases narcissistic tendencies. The other, perhaps more impactful, piece of the paradox is the underlying message that we should be happy, confident, and fulfilled at all times. Self-help peddles this idea in every book, course, and article.

So when life inevitably deals us moments of suffering, times of turmoil, and bad hair days, self-help reminds us that this shouldn't be the case. We're just not doing enough affirmations, gratitude journaling, or cold plunges. That, or you're just not "enlightened" enough yet. Here's another self-help book to.. err… help ;-) 

This actually causes us to become more fragile, less persistent, and filled with self-doubt. We start to drown in a cycle of despair. 

This is a flaw in the design. Life is inherently hard. Suffering is a given, and challenges are a part of the experience. Things happen outside of our control, moods can fluctuate with our hormones, our circumstances change, and my neighbor simply refuses to pick up his dog's shit. 

Rather than denying or ignoring these things, we should embrace them.

The great psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl believed suffering is an innate part of life, and it's essential to develop meaning from our suffering. He wrote, "If there is a meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death, human life cannot be complete."

Rather than denying suffering, we should embrace it. Instead of trying to dismantle our flaws, we should cultivate self-acceptance. Rather than fighting against reality, we should take ownership of what we can control.

Whatever pain or suffering you're experiencing in life, there's always potential for meaning and growth. Frankl believed that we can derive meaning in our lives from three different sources:

1. Purpose: the pursuit of meaningful work or contributions to the larger whole. 

Whereas self-help tells you to focus on yourself, purpose calls for your attention to be placed on something larger than the self. It's our ability to connect our daily activities to people, causes, and values we care about. 

One of my favorite Frankl-isms is "Again and again I [admonish my students], 'Don't aim at success—the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long run—in the long run, I say!—success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think of it.'" 

To regain power in your life, stop pursuing self-help and simply aim to help. 

2. Love: this is our capacity to care for others – to respect, support, and show up for them. It's also experiencing beauty in life, like nature or art. Love, like purpose, isn't something you do but something you embody. People who embody love seem to have a muted ego. They listen intently; they're present, kind, and thoughtful. 

This weekend, I'm in Arizona with my family. Every time I'm in the room with them, the love is palpable. I feel seen and like somebody has my back – they are looking out for my interests, and I am theirs. Love makes people feel like they matter and transcends the minutia of the daily grind.

3. And finally, courage. The courage to face challenges, difficulties, and suffering head-on. My favorite definition of courage is from the poet David Whyte, who wrote, "Courage is that feeling you get when you're standing on a surface that feels like it can't hold you, but you stand there anyway." 

When I think of courage, I think of the ability to overcome the emotion of the moment in order to do the right thing. Can you be kind even when you're pissed? Can you be patient even when you're "hangry"? Can you still show up as the person you want to be when you're disappointed, heartbroken, or let down? Can you continue to take ownership of your actions when the world seems to be against you?

That's courage. And that's real growth.

For the past two years, I've been focused way more on suffering and strategies to deal with it than the pursuit of happiness. I've grown to accept some of my flaws and negative emotions, embrace pain and burnout for causes I find important, and pursue activities that may be painful in the short term but that I know I'll be proud of in the long run. 

And my life is better for it.

Life may not feel great right now for whatever reason, but that doesn't necessarily mean things are flying off the rails. Actually, if you're suffering, it means things are going entirely according to plan.

But what will you choose to do with that suffering?